Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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