my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
tell me about the fingering
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