I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Sext me about skeletons
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
