I think im going to throw up on grandma
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
