At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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