Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
