my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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