the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Acid is not a monday night drug
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
