I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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