your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think my moral compass just broke
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
