Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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