Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
