Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
