ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my being single is dangerous.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
