I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
