My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
