you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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