She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
