Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
