I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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