Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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