i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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