Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
