Only a mothe r could love this liver
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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