What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
