I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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