im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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