Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
