when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
nutella sex= disaster
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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