My friends, they love my intelligence
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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