he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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