I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
why do cheetos always look like penises
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
