we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
