Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
