omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
