he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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