Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
