Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
