i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
