Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
