why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
