do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
