all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
