I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
