Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
