Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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