I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
