When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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