my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
