My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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